I'm Sorry!

Not sure if this is called emo-ing, but I just felt I need to release all the negative feelings from my soul right now. Detoxifying my soul, I say =) Here goes a very long entry, pardon the words and my prayers.

I realised so many more flaws about my character over the past month or so.

I realised how much I've changed over this bull-shit year, for the worst.

I realised how much I've taken my family, bf, God and His blessings for granted.

I realised how much more I needed to be moulded by God and great people of my life.

I think that I've not done my role as a Christian, very well this year. I've slackened off so much for no reason. Well, maybe bcos of my discouragement in certain people, and for not finding a decent rat-race job, despite much emailing of resumes out to screwed-up HRs all over Singapore!

My temper has worsened hundredfold, and it has reverted back to my ol' ways in secondary school. Sighs. I remembered telling myself that I'll never be that monster again, but sadly I fell back into that since August this year. I dunno what went wrong with me lately, I just snapped at every single thing I felt frustrated at.

I hate nagging so much, especially from Mama and bf.

I hate being rejected despite doing my best for job interviews.

I hate being the last-minute substitute for roles that cannot be filled.

I hate going to church with a heavy heart and guilty conscience.

I hate being the role model to the younger kids, when I feel unworthy to be called one.

I hate it when I just tear up and sob like a baby (literally), just to relieve the frustrations off my heart.

I hate it when the devil uses all my weaknesses to attack me when I'm totally unguarded.

I hate the fact that I lack the discipline to do my daily personal devotion, unlike some other leaders or youths.

I hate the fact that I'm starting to feel like a dunno-what's-going-on-with-the-world-outside ignorant housewife, when I dun even do housework or isn't a housewife.

I hate myself, my stupid temper, my intolerance of people asking me trivial stuff and more.

AAARRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!

Over this period of all-time low, I appreciate the fact that my family and bf loves me unconditionally, even though I can be a total jackass to them. I told God that I must really learn to control my disgustingly bad temper from now on. I dun want to be a grumpy monster at all! I hate it when people do that to me too lor.

I know that I've particularly hurt my mother and bf alot over the past 7 weeks, just bcos I was so damn impatient and peeved at every single thing I hear. I said hurtful things, I do hurtful stuff and I think hurtful thoughts. I'm a super meanie girl.

I remember somewhere last month, bf and I had a extremely bad quarrel, that threatened our relationship to the verge of breakup. After sobbing hard like a stupid baby the entire night, I realised that my ego and pride has gotten a big fat stronghold upon my life, and it is bad!

I find it so difficult to swallow my pride to verbally apologise to bf, when I'm at fault and was the baddie. Yet, I could easily apologise to anyone else. See, I've taken my dearest bf for granted, big time. I hate to let people see my weak and vulnerable side, bcos I hate to be pushed around like how I was in my childhood days.

I spent some days reading this particular blog and its archives, from a very down-to-earth and humble person I know. I read her posts about the love she had for her family and bf. Her love languages were slightly different from mine. She expressed her love best in Quality Time and Personal Touch. I'm more of a Words of Affirmation and Quality Time.

I felt that I got so much more to reflect on and do to clean up my acts. Indeed it was timely for me to read her blog, so I can understand how much God is working in her life too, bcos she has somewhat-almost the same character and personality as me. The temper problem is the big one.

Digressing just abit, I just realised there are 5 languages for Apology too! Here's a lil test for you to do and know which language of apology you prefer =)

Ok, back to where I was, I just wanna take this time and space to say this to my bf.

"Baby, you know how much I love you, and how much I need you in my life. I sincerely and truly apologise to you for all the hurtful things I've said and done to you, over the past year. Indeed, we tend to easily forget and assume that our closest ones will accept the flaws of us no matter how ugly it is. However we forget that they are human beings too, with feelings and emotions just like ourselves.

I know that I'm the jerk in this relationship. I can be very wilful, annoyingly mean, impatient and crazily kuku. I cry so much whenever I know how much hurt I've caused you each time we quarrelled, on the phone or in public. Yet, I lack the courage to apologise to you, always.

All this while when I was acting all crazy and mad, you were so patient and loving to me. I caused you so much inconvenience, loss of face and frustrations till you went bonkers too. You are super duper good to me. How can I ever find another boy like you? I thank God everyday, for bestowing you, the special someone, into my life. W/o you, I think I'd still be that stupid girl in the past, wound up in all the regrets of my mistakes.

You know me inside out, well just slightly more than my sister. 10 years of knowing you, my dear. Our relationship has been thru all sorts of patterns and we are still learning and working towards a happy future marriage life together too.

How could I ever thank God enough for you in my life, right? I treasure you so much, baby. Thank you baby, for loving me unconditionally, just like how my parents and God do. You are all I ever wanted, and I know you are always mine =)

I love you, my dearest Teh Cher Hao! -MUACKS!- "

To my mama,

"I know I'm a very impatient person. I always lose my cool ever so easily at you. Let's compromise, you stop nagging incessantly and I'll talk calmly with no annoyance in my voice ok? I really dun wish and I hate to be a grumpy girl to you. I dun wish to hurt you in any ways again. I always remember that verse about honoring my parents, but it's easier said than done. God, help me please! I hate being so irritating and bad to my mother. I'm such a bad daughter.

I'm sorry, Mummy. Forgive me. "

Shit lah, I cried so much while typing out this post. My blanket full of mucus liao. Now, my ultimate prayer to God.

"God, I'm truly sorry for everything I've done in Your eyes. My life seems to have so many untold secrets and lies yet I know they can't be concealed forever. I've always struggled with accountability and temptations of the flesh. Please, God, help me to be strong and to have courage to beat that darn devil off my back and mind.

Indeed it's so difficult to go the right path, yet it's so easy to stumble into the sinful ways. Jesus is so wonderful, how He ever conquered sin so effortlessly? Your Word has spoken to me umpteen times, it is obvious that I'm stubborn and stupid to listen to You. Humble me, O Lord! I really need Your wisdom and courage to defend that donkey devil!!

Dun let me lose that passion for Your kingdom. Help me to be a warrior of Yours! Forgive me of all my transgressions, help me to overcome these stumbling blocks, guide me thru the deep dark valleys of death, sin and false leadership (abit random but true) too. Give me Your discernment and directions. Renew in me a clean heart, one that is after You only.

Thank You Lord, for loving me so unconditionally. I love You more and more each day, whenever I learn about Your grace and mercy for us. A God that never sleeps nor slumbers, the Only One I can depend on. Thank You Lord! "

I feel better after pouring out my deepest feelings from my soul (for 1.5 hours nonstop). Hopefully I regain some directions, drive and determination in my walk with God and with man.

p/s: I'm not crazy ok.... I just need an outlet to let my mind do relax-therapy!

Jesus loves you!